Transcript of a 1987 answering machine message recorded for
the press secretary’s office of the Ministry of Undercover Child Abuse – Sexual
(MUCAS).
(For the purposes of confidentiality all names have been
concealed.)
“Oh, hi [BLANK], it’s [BLANK]. I know it’s Friday afternoon and you’ve
already left the office but I just thought I’d leave this anyway as a heads-up
for Monday morning. Obviously you’ll
have heard the reports going round about [BLANK] being up to his usual dalliances
– well, he’s getting a bit over-excited frankly and we need to rail him in a
bit, get him to lie low and inconspicuous for a while... I know that’ll be
nigh-on impossible for such a fat fuck [LAUGHTER], but er anyway, we need to
have the conversation.
The PM isn’t best pleased about it, let’s put it that
way. There’s concern that if the
Ministry’s work were to go public it might be quite embarrassing for all
concerned, what with Joe Taxpayer scrutinising everything. Not to mention landing an avalanche of shite
on your desk! [LAUGHTER]
Oh, and to make matters worse, we’ve got a handful of
nutters bigging up all that Ninth Circle stuff again, banging on about how the
[BLANK] and Prince [BLANK] are tied up with some missing First Nation children
over in Canada. Goes back to the ‘60s
apparently which is frankly before my time and I don’t want to know about
it. But the nutters claim they have a
witness who says he saw them with the disappeared children, and word is the
Palace are keen to smother this whole wretched thing like a toad on a fly. I’m sure we can find something to discredit
the witness at the very least...
Anyway, as to fatty [BLANK], [BLANK], [BLANK], [BLANK], oh,
and most likely [BLANK] as well I’d have thought – we need to call a crisis
meeting at the Ministry office and smooth a few things over.
Okay, well that’s all for now then, hope you had a nice
weekend. Hope [BLANK]’s birthday party
went well, and [BLANK]’s horse contest was a success. Bye for now, bye, bye....”
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